I started crying uncontrollably tonight while watching Blade Runner. Perhaps it was the music that brought it on or the play I had today? There’s so much that hurts in me. It’s hard to explain or comprehend.

I wonder what is up with me? I have so much to give. Yet after all my training and practice it’s not enough, at least not enough to stop crying. I am sad inside and smile outside.

Not much else I can do.

I can give, and I suppose that’s why a tree has roots. To dig in deep and survive in the best of times and worst. Stand tall and wait for a sunny day.

I look back to my tie today. Tremendously validating. How many of you would have loved to be in my dress today? I sat with a beautiful human that wanted to watch me tie her. In the past, I would not have allowed it. But those those days are past me. I got to tie her up and hear her breath, see her move and smile during and when it was over. Today was different.

Yet I cry now. Am I coming down from high? Am I thinking of my my ex-girlfriend or my ex-wife? I am thinking of all of the above and Japan. Idk.

I guess I am tired.

At least I have memories. Memories. It’s what matters in life.